Paula Lewis (19), Coolock - ‘Our big sister, my mother’s right-hand woman and my dad’s pride and joy’

The inquests into the deaths of the 48 young people who died in the Stardust fire in Artane, Dublin in 1981 feature pen portraits of each of the deceased by bereaved family members. Find all of the portraits and more coverage here.

Paula was our oldest sibling – the first born to our mum and dad.

To say the death of our sister Paula was devastating is an understatement. The grief that was visited on our family was horrendous. The loss of our beautiful Paula, our big sister, our second mother, my mother’s right-hand woman and my dad’s pride and joy. The grief and loss on the rest of our siblings, the sadness of our little sister who was Paula’s roommate.

My siblings had little idea what was happening, myself included. To see my parents’ whole world fall apart, neither knowing what had just happened.

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Paula went out for a night out and never came home. Watching my ma and da left wondering if Paula was crying for them in her final moments.

Paula was a good girl, a kind girl, the kind of girl who handed up her wages to mum when she was stuck. She loved music – Abba, Bay City Rollers and Donny Osmond – and reading her Mills and Boon paperbacks.

On weekday evenings she would be in the kitchen with her friends Debbie and Sandra, most likely talking about boys and their upcoming holiday to Malaga. Sadly Sandra was in the Stardust that night and also perished. The only hope that I have is that they were a comfort to each other when the end came.

The wait to identify Paula’s body, the funeral, the crying, the grief was unbearable but had to be lived through.

Then to add insult to the injury, the so-called experts tell us what our Paula was worth and what we should do to avoid getting involved in the legal system that most of us wouldn’t have had access to anyway because we were working class people.

To feel Paula’s loss at every family event, to know what she missed out on, her own wedding and her own family. To try and explain as we get older how much we lost is impossible. We have never had or never will have closure. That’s just a fancy word people use. But we may still have justice.

All of Paula’s family miss her every day. She never got the chance to live her life.

And finally, may I thank the Stardust Relatives Committee for their persistence over the past 42 years that has got us to this point. Thank you.